Season 7: Episode 16

Tony: maybe she's cursed -- like a Kennedy

McGee: minus the grassy knoll

Ziva: I heard about that! The shooter was really in the books' suppository

Tony: depository

Season 7: Episode 16

Ziva: It my friend, is the declaration of independence. My citizenship test is coming up and I'd like to pass it with swimming colors

McGee: flying colors.

Ziva: Any colors will do McGee.

Season 7: Episode 15

Ziva: I am also in the process of becoming an American citizen

Damon: And I thought you had be a legal resident, for you know…

Ziva: there are a few strings being tugged

Tony: pulled! you pull strings

Damon: tug heart strings

Ziva: the heart has strings?

Damon: According to the poets

Tony: Don't confuse the girl. It's taken a lot of marionetting to get this far

Damon: And who's the puppet master?

Season 7: Episode 10

Abby: Like I said, whoever did this had agility, speed and power on their side.

Tony: Well if I don't mind saying so, I have many of those qualities myself.

Ziva: HAH!

Tony: Where's your generous holiday spirit probette .

Ziva: bah-humbawgg

Tony: bah-what?

Season 7: Episode 10

At the end of bar brawl

Ziva (panting): Red throats!

Tony: Red necks

Ziva: whatever

Season 7: Episode 10

Ziva: Tibbon's sister described this place perfectly. This is where a red-throat would hang out after being overseas for months.

Tony: It's not red throat, it's red neck and I think we found the entire cast of hee-haw.

Season 7: Episode 4

Ziva: But team work is still possible even though I am not an official member of the team. You catch my grift?

Tony: Drift.

Season 7: Episode 3

Ziva: THAT- was total salami

Tony: Baloney

Season 6: Episode 24

Ziva examines listening device

Ziva: … a fly

Tony: bug

Ziva: on the wall

Tony: boss we found a listening device

Season 6: Episode 22

Ziva: After our last trip to LA, I do not understand why you would think I would be an eager platypus Tony.

Tony: Beaver. Eager beaver, not platypus. Why does that bother me so much? Don't answer that.

Season 6: Episode 21

Ziva: She claimed Heller was not there but smell fish.

McGee (pause)

Ziva: WHAT?

McGee: Fishy. Something fishy.

Season 6: Episode 20

Ziva: Well according to NSA and Interpol, Saravo's enterprise has spread to drug smuggling in Mexico, kidnapping in Bolivia and an interest in a Ukraine pipeline. His finger's in many eyes.

Tony: pies.

Season 6: Episode 18

Ziva: you can't make an omelet without breaking some legs.

Tony: You're never making me breakfast.

Ziva: That is the truth!

Tony: It's supposed to be eggs.

Ziva: Then make them yourself.

Season 6: Episode 18

Ziva: That was Tony again.

McGee: Is he looking for his wallet?

Ziva: He keeps asking what we're doing in the wind-y city (whine-dee)

McGee: It's windy (win-dee)

Ziva: It's not so bad.

Season 6: Episode 17

Ziva: I see your point. But you did not change when your books made you plush.

McGee: Flush.

Season 6: Episode 17

Ziva: ooh, a Ferrari! You are counting your eggs before they are laid.
Tony: the operative word is laid.

Season 6: Episode 15

Gibbs: What'd we've got?
Ziva: We canvased the area. No one is talking, There is a smurf war
Tony: Turf war
Ziva: Between two competing gangs...

Season 6: Episode 10

Ziva: Hah! How's that for old school slothing?
Tony: Sleuthing.

Season 6: Episode 8

McGee: You know what they say about a watched-pot, Tony
Ziva: calls the kettle black
McGee: Never boils

Season 6: Episode 3

Tony: ZIVA, it looks like you were wrong about Talbot.

Ziva: He's still a crumb bag.

Tony throws hands up in defeat

Season 6: Episode 3

Ziva: You are such a control geek.

Tony: freak.

Ziva: Yes, that too.

Season 6: Episode 2

Ziva: He spent way too much time in the cyber unit. Crime scene skills are getting a bit... dusty.

McGee: Rusty.

Season 5: Episode 18

Ziva: Is that why we are here? So you can google the girls??

Tony: Oogle. And no, we're here to accompany the Director.

Season 5: Episode 17

Tony: Gotta figure out what he was doing here.

Ziva: And with whom he was doing it.

Tony: Doing what with?

Ziva: Whatever it was he was doing when he was undone

Tony: Done? what?

Ziva: Done.

Ducky: "In" my dear fellow. Done in. Don't you understand the Queen's English?

Tony: Not this Queen.

Season 5: Episode 16

Ziva: You are wrong

Tony: You gotta look at this objectively. The evidence says he's guilty.

Ziva: All circumcised.

McGee: Um… circumstantial

Tony: I think she knows what she's talking about

Season 5: Episode 15

McGee: Think she did it? She's the one that called us.

Ziva: Well…it would not be the first time a murderer tried to throw us up that way.

McGee: Off. Throw us off.

Season 5: Episode 14

Agent Fornell: We know what you do.
Ziva: I would hate to be misunderstood.
Agent Fornell: Does that happen often?
Ziva: Once in a blue lagoon.
Agent Fornell: I think I'll be able to translate. I'll repeat.

Season 5: Episode 13

Ziva: Did you wake up in the wrong bed this morning?

Tony: If your question is did you wake up on the wrong side of the bed, the answer is no, but my mood did sour somewhat when I walked in and I found that our chief suspect was dead.

Season 5: Episode 12

Ziva: Goldilocks hooked up with Papa Bear and they found a bed that is "Just Right". Personally I think she could have done better.

Tony: What?

Ziva: The jack she is with is gross.

Tony: You mean John.

Ziva: You know him?

Season 5: Episode 12

via phone

Ziva: How long will it take you?

Tony: About an hour.

Ziva; Are you kidding me Your goose is fried.

Tony: Cooked. And no it's not. Only a minute late.

Season 5: Episode 11

Tony: Juicy Fruit

Ziva: One flew over the cuckoo's next

Tony: Close enough

Season 5: Episode 5

Ziva: I'm having the same problem as McGee. The Pentagon is rockwalling me.

Tony: She means stonewalling.

Season 5: Episode 4

Agent Kregier: Your boss looks mad

Ziva: Maybe he's going to chew you up.

Tony: Out. Chew you out.

Season 5: Episode 3

Lt. Marsden: Command sent me to go over Captain Reynolds death benefits with her.

Ziva: Quite the waterfall.

Tony: She means windfall.

Season 4: Episode 23

Ziva: Hey, I have 12 left. Want to take half?

Tony: hahaha, I don't think so.

Ziva: Hey, I'll make it worth your wow.

Tony: While. Not wow

Ziva: Wow makes more sense.

Tony: You're right wow would be better.

Ziva: Then you'll help me?

Tony: No

Season 4: Episode 23

Gibbs: Did you get a name?

Tony: Um... yeah. Hamal Farhan

Ziva: no buzzers

Tony: bells

Season 4: Episode 21

McGee: Not so tough.

Ziva: The bigger they are, the louder they fall McGee

Tony: Harder, Ziva

Season 4: Episode 20

Abby: Where’s Gibbs?

Ziva: He’s chomping out McGee

Tony: Chewing

Season 4: Episode 20

Ziva: McGee, you look like you’ve seen a goat.

McGee: whaa… oh, a ghost. Seen a ghost.

Season 4: Episode 17

Ziva: Is she giving you the cold elbow?

Tony: Shoulder. And no, she has very warm shoulders to me.

Season 4: Episode 15

John Carson: One club has been on our radar for the last year. Drugs, illegal gambling, prostitution.

Ziva: Why haven’t you breasted them?

Tony: She means busted.

Ziva: Yes, oh yes. Busted. I’m sorry.

Season 4: Episode 15

Tony: It’s almost unfair interrogating junkies.

Ziva: It’s like shooting fish in a pond.

John Carson: heh, I um, I think you mean a barrel.

Ziva: Why would a fish be in a barrel.

John Carson: Uh, that’s a good point, I’ve never really thought about it before.

Season 4: Episode 14

Ziva: Ahh, that was when Jenni had you under covers.

Tony: Under cover. Not under covers

Season 4: Episode 14

Ziva: It’s going to be like looking for a needle in a needle stack

Tony: Needle in a hay stack.

Ziva: I like my description better.

Season 4: Episode 14

Ziva: Will you tell me her name if I find the Pirate's copy of Aries?



Tony: Pirated copy.



Ziva: That's what I said.



Tony: No, you said pirate's copy. Pirate is a person like Captain Jack Sparrow. A pirated copy...



Ziva: Who is Jack Sparrow?



Tony: Johnny Depp



Ziva: He's a pirate?



Tony: No! He's an actor. How did we get here?



Ziva: I drove.

Season 4: Episode 10

Ziva: You need to cut the man some slacks, Ducky.

Tony: I agree, except the term is slack.

Season 4: Episode 8

Ziva: Are you ok?

Tony: Never better.

Ziva: You look run over

Tony: The term is run down. I do?

Ziva: Maybe you need servicing.

Tony: Clearly, we're still having some problems with the idiosyncrasies with the English language.

Season 4: Episode 6

Ziva: I screwed up Ducky. I knew that the staff Sargent's wife was hiding something and she wasn't telling us the whole truth. And you know what I did? I allowed myself to feel sorry for her. Do you know what that makes me?

Dr. Mallard: Human?

Ziva: A chimp!

Palmer: I think she means a chump, Doctor. You see a chimp is an animal. Ziva, whereas a chump is someone who is easily taken advantage of or fooled.

Season 4: Episode 6

Ziva: Well according to a person named 'Scuttle Butt' he caught his wife cheating on him.

Gibbs: Scuttlebutt is not a person. It's what Marines call gossip.

Ziva: And you wonder why I have a problem with your language.

Season 4: Episode 5

Man: What's going on? Hey, hey! Stop pointing a gun at my wife!

Ziva: She tried to rat on us.

Tony: She means rabbit.

Ziva; Yes, rabbit

Season 4: Episode 3

Ziva: You're threatened by Gibbs.

Tony: I am NOT.

Ziva: You've been whining all week like a little snitch.

Tony: (paused) The term is bitch.

Ziva: I know that. I was just being nice.

Season 3: Episode 24

Director Shepard: ...so when Pinpin handed Gibbs Kalhib's passport, it was good enough.

Ziva (nodding): To pass the mustard.

McGee: It's muster, not mustard.

Season 3: Episode 24

Tony: Go!

Ziva: Okayyy, but you're tying my feet.

Tony: HANDS.

Ziva: Those too.

Season 3: Episode 23

Ziva: I asked Tel Aviv if Captain Mahir is a blimp on their radar.

Tony: Blip.

Season 3: Episode 23

Ziva: DUCKY, DRIP IT!

Ducky: Did you mean drop it or zip it?

Ziva: Ugh! These American idioms are driving me up a whole.

Ducky: Well actually -- ugh nevermind.

Season 3: Episode 22

Ziva: Everyone's avoiding me! I'm being treated like a leopard!

Ducky: I believe the phrase is 'like a leper'.

Season 3: Episode 22

Ziva: You're the one who said 'no' to the muzzle, Tony! I wanted to shut his pothole hours ago.

Prisoner: Pie-hole! And by the way, we went to the Arby's drive-thru... there's no such thing as a ride-thru! How long have you lived here anyway?!

Season 3: Episode 21

Ziva: Your defense attorney is going to try to use her [Abby's] poor taste in men to impregnate her credibility.

Tony: Impugn

Season 3: Episode 20

Ziva: This woman is a total terd, yes?

Tony: The term is nerd.

Season 3: Episode 19

McGee: Do I come off unmanly?

Ziva: I think Tony was jerking your brain

McGee: Chain? Jerking my chain?

Ziva: Whatever. I think you come off as appropriately masculine. However perhaps not macho.

Season 3: Episode 19

Ziva: So now you're image is homo-pubic?

Tony: It's homophobic.

Season 3: Episode 18

Ziva: She asked if you had the cazonas for this, yes?

Tony: Cahones.

Season 3: Episode 18

Ziva: Very well trained. Cody was covering his plates.

Tony: Bases.

Season 3: Episode 17

Ziva: Do you mind if I grab a bat nap?

Ranger: No, just hang from the rafters.

Season 3: Episode 17

Ziva: GREAT... it'll be like finding a pin in a hay stack.

Tony: it's needle in a hay stack.

Ziva: Aren't pins just as hard to find?

McGee/Tony (at the same time): No.

Season 3: Episode 17

Ziva: He asked me out tonight. I said no. I don't want him to think I'm sleazy.

Tony: the term is easy.

Ziva: What's the difference?

Tony: it's in the make-up, really.

Season 3: Episode 17

Tony: Maybe she's a black widow.

Ziva: Lions and Spiders and Bears - oh my! .... what? Mr. Movie doesn't know the wizard of oz?

Tony: Ahem. I'm talking about a predatory female here.

Season 3: Episode 15

Ziva: If the glue sticks...

McGee: Shoe fits.

Season 3: Episode 14

Ziva: I've learned from Gibbs you can attract more bees with honey

Tony: Flies.

Ziva: what do flies have to do with honey?

Tony: Flies don't like vinegar

Ziva: Vinegar?

Tony: It's complicated.


**questionable whether Ziva got this one wrong**

Season 3: Episode 13

PBJ Worker: Is your hacker that good?

Ziva: Does a bear sit in the woods?

PBJ Worker: Is this your cracker jack team?

Tony: She's Israeli

Ziva: I KNOW I got the bear thing right.

Season 3: Episode 13

Ziva: Don't worry Abby. Sometimes it's hard to see the jungle through the ferns.

Abby: Right.

Season 3: Episode 12

Ziva: That's quaint. We could be like those homo's in those old movies.

Tony: Hobo's. Not homo's.

Season 3: Episode 12

Ziva: Counting your riches King Cole?

Tony: Midas. King Cole had a merry ole' soul.

Season 3: Episode 12

Tony: Are you getting any service?

Ziva: I'm bra-less.

Tony: I know that. But you have bars on your phone.

Ziva: Don't you have anything better to do than correct my English?

Season 3: Episode 12

Ziva: I think we've just been screwed in here Tony!

Tony: The term is bolted.

Ziva: Same difference.

Season 3: Episode 11

Ziva: Well, I'd say that backfired large time.

Tony: It's big time.

Season 3: Episode 10

Ziva: Hallagan's on the goat... oh, not goat... sheep!

McGee: lamb?

Tony: It's lam. There's no b on the end by the way.

Ziva: Thank you.

Season 3: Episode 9

Ziva: She's probably passed on by now.

McGee: Passed out.

Ziva: Whatever. The girl is tired.

Season 3: Episode 8

Ziva: It helps me stay focused for the job in my hand.

Tony: It's the job at hand.

Ziva: Same difference.

Season 3: Episode 8

Ziva: Look who's calling the pot black.

Tony: Kettle. The pot is calling the kettle black.

Season 3: Episode 7

Ziva: The man is spick and spam.

Tony: Span. The saying is span. Spam is lunch meat.

Ziva: Oh, then what exactly is span, then?

Tony: Span -it's... I'll get back to you on that.

Season 3: Episode 7

Ziva: Someone is here from social security to pick him up.

Gibbs: Social services Ziva. Social security is for old people.

Ziva: Noted.

Season 3: Episode 6

Ziva: I've been meaning to ask you about that Tony. How does a 15-year old boy go about meeting a co-quette.

McGee: She means rockette.

Season 3: Episode 5

Ziva: I've seen this type of communication before. I believe you refer to them as 'goblins'.

Tony: Spooks. The term is 'Spooks"

(Referring to CIA)

Season 3: Episode 5

Ziva: I found his bank book.

Tony: Check book.

Ziva: Whatever you call it. His deposits seem high.

Season 3: Episode 5

Ziva: Once he saw us at Norfolk, he must have taken a kite.

Tony: Hike. He must have taken a hike.

Season 3: Episode 5

Tony: Look at the guy, he's such a -

Ziva: Pimp.

McGee: you mean wimp

Season 3: Episode 4

Ziva: It appears he doesn't know... I feel like a donkey's butt.

McGee: A donkey's butt??

Tony: I think she meant horse's ass

Ziva: yes, that too

Season 3: Episode 4

Ziva: "Your hair... you may want to do something with it... it's sticking up like a porcu-swine... I mean porcu-pig ... whatever that little animal is"

Tony: Porcupine

Season 3: Episode 2

Gibbs: Do you know why Ari left his brass behind?

Ziva: psssh, you sound like a broken tape, Gibbs.

Tony: Record, Ziva. Record.

Season 3: Episode 1

Ziva is introduced.